blahblahblah i need money.

shopping withdraw.

where do we go from here

life is random.

long story short. i'm living back home with mom; been here for about a month or so. everyone's first question is always, " what happened ? ". i don't know what to respond with, to be honest. something wasn't right, and i could feel it. i knew that the people i were with, where i was, nothing was right. so, here i am. back to square one. does this feel right ?. not quite. i'm not sure if anything will, but i'm somewhat okay with that. or maybe not so much okay, but accepting of that fact. is it normal for a human being to just leave like that ?. leave everything, everyone, everyanything and just move ?. i suppose i did it before, when you really think about it. you only live once.

life is thick.

mom and i decided to do some ridiculous nazi diet. already done with that. we did it for a week and it literally left me so malnourished i felt like i was having an ' out-of-body ' experience. never again. i just need to quit being so lazy and drinking so much wine and drinking so much sugar-free red bull and not sleeping and eating so many goddamn gummy bears. i like being curvy and full-figured, but not this chubby.

life is finally giving a fuck ( or, in more literal terms, not ).

sex with strangers. raunchy, dirty, heartless sex. sex with people that i so obviously have absolutely nothing in common with without even a second glance. words could never explain the mindless, euphoric high i get from it. or got from it. twenty years old and i've hit a wall. no desire for it anymore, which is strange. i feel like i'm learning everything all over again. how to kiss. how to flirt. how to hold hands. everything has a different meaning than before. i like it.

it's been awhile !.

i'm at home, sickly .. so i figured i'd dust of the old xanga blog and update a little tiny bit. especially since i'm laying here watching 'blue crush'. i can remember being up late one night watching a marathon of this movie on tv @ auntie's old house and updating my xanga.

daniel & i are living in the bottom part of a house now with a lady named lisa; she reminds me a lot of my mom. her daughter, kali, lives here along with her boyfriend, patrick. we still have our puppy, junior. and three of the four snakes ( one didn't hold up very good after the roadtrip out here and got very sick, so we had to put her down ). we also now have a kitty ( his name is bagheera, aka baby b ), two beardies, two collard lizards, and two uromastyx lizards ( hammie, of course .. and his lady, cheese ). we're pretty content here. still wanting to go back to school and still wanting to make more money to afford all of the things we want. daniel is working at a german restaurant here in the springs, and i was working @ a bill collections place until the day before yesterday. i was making shit for money and i'm not a big fan of doing collections, so i started applying around. i managed to land a job doing tech support at a tmobile call center here and it seems like it's going to be the golden ticket for me career wise. the pay is excellent, benefits are awesome, and it seems like i'm finally going to get the recognition i've been deserving since forever for the hard work i do. i'm excited, to say the least. i'm finally going to be able to save up some money and get some bills paid off ( mainly my credit card and my car ) and buy some things here and there ( i'm in dire need of a new wardrobe .. ). i'm sure daniel and i are going to eventually want to move into a place of our own, but we're in no big hurry. it's nice living here, and it's nice having a fixed amount of home expense we have to pay a month. we're still debating where we eventually want to end up living in the long run; like, after we go to school and everything.

i flew ( for the first time ! ) back home to visit mom in january. it was an unexpected visit. isaac died in a terrible accident very unexpectedly. just reminds you that life is way too short and you never know when your time will come .. live like there's no tomorrow, and leave the past behind you.

soooo to sum it all up. life's pretty good; can't complain. and it feels good to be able to say that.

where to start ..

it feels like so much has been happening recently .. well, a lot really has, i guess.

i'm moving away to colorado with daniel, and i couldn't be more excited. i think it's really going to be life-changing for me. all i've ever known is here in virginia. i've never lived anywhere else. never even really been off of the east coast, ever. i think it's going to take this drastic change to kind of jump-start my life and get it moving again. i feel like, up until recently, life has just been kind of melting into a huge pile of anxiety driven behavior and desperate attempts to make something of myself. i think moving to colorado is going to be a kind of extreme exposure for me, kind of like what they do to people with o.c.d ?. putting myself totally out of my element, where all i will know is daniel and no one else and nothing else. i want to go get lost. i want to learn new things. i want to break away from all the bad memories that linger around a lot of things here. i have no doubt in my mind that this will be a positive thing for me. i feel like a new life is starting for me; august 16th ..

my anxiety has gotten so much better lately. instead of having panic attacks every day i get them maybe once or twice a month !. which usually they come when they're triggered by stupid stuff, like if i accidently cut myself or something and the blood gives me a panic attack [seriously, it happens]. i feel like i'm finally starting to breathe again, & it's nice.

i haven't talked to dad since .. sad i had to think for a minute .. my birthday in early may ?. i really have no desire to keep in touch with him; i really want to just cut him out of my life all the way. well, mom, after a few glasses of wine, told me the other night that i should think twice about it. to think of it as 'what if your dad died today, would you be okay to live with the decision to cut ties with him and not try a relationship ?". i mean, i understood where she was coming from, but i'm so done with trying. i honestly think if he did pass away, my feelings would be about the same as if a distant friend i knew from back in middle school passed away or something. the thought of death is sad, like always. but the deep personal memories aren't present, so it's just the death itself that would be upsetting ?. if that makes sense at all.

anyways, i should go start getting ready. daniel & i are going to the mayhem festival today with rob zombie [oo la la] & korn !. i'm so excited :].

PS - brittany mason, i read your most recent post on here [& i thought i was the only one who ever got on anymore !]. when i come to stay with you sometime next week, we can talk. in fact i'm going to go comment on your post to make sure you read this AND i'm going to text you.

i feel like the next couple weeks are going to drag by so slow. i'm basically waiting for one certain date to determine what exactly my next move is going to be.

may 14th is my interview at the shipyard. if i get into there, then i'll put in my two-weeks at work [ i'll be so damn happy ] and start going there for an apprentice program. if i don't get in or i don't like it there, then i'm probably going to move to colorado with daniel. colorado state has a major in zoology available and that's what i REALLY want to do; work with animals.

i'm moving in with daniel after my interview on the 14th. well .. cleaning first, then moving haha. i'm going to stay there with him until he moves to colorado or whereever he decides to go; which is going to be in september most-likely. i hope it goes okay. i'm sure it will, as long as we talk about stuff and i don't get irritated over the little things. i think i'm getting better about that, anyways.

so a lot to do but it seems like a lot of waiting before i can get going on any of it. i'm ready to go. ready to do something.

i love daniel to death. we're buttheads to eachother sometimes, and we argue about stupid things, but i love him. sometimes i feel like he doesn't think i'm pretty, though. maybe just because he never really says it to me, idk. it doesn't bother me that much, because i know i'm beautiful. but everyone needs a little reassurance sometimes.